airing the rumors.

dear blog readers, i apologize for being gone for so long. a lot has been going on in kathi's life (although it may not seem like that on the outside) & i just wanted some time to work through it before i wrote about it....

sooo, hold onto your seats.

1. no, i am not quitting my blog. (haha, obviously).

2. yes, corey and i broke up may 11. i am heartbroken & i am not sure if i'll ever be the same. but life goes on. my life IS going on even though i didn't believe it possibly could. i love him & probably always will but I AM DOING MUCH BETTER. life was rough for a good 2 or 3 weeks...but things are finally looking up. & God is teaching me so much.

3. why did we break up? there isn't one good reason to blame it on... but just so everyone knows, we separated on good terms, no yelling or hitting or throwing things. we both realized that we were stuck at a crossroads in our relationship and for now the best option was to separate.

4. God is teaching me that he is ultimately in control. i mean, it seems like an obvious statement, but it's true. i wanted to stay with corey, but i didn't get to. and it's not because of corey or because of kathi -- it's because it's not in God's plan for my (or his)life right now.

5. God is teaching me that if a person feels inadequate then ultimately, they are. It's that old saying 'you can't love another if you don't love yourself'. It's truth. No matter how much you tell a person that they are enough, if they don't believe it....then they aren't.

6. patience. i love when people describe themselves and they describe themselves as patient...i want to tell you that i am one of those people. i am convinced that i am a patient person, but let me tell you... i am NOT. it really is a God thing, to be patient. it's handing over control to him and waiting and listening for him to respond. it's defintely not easy & i wish sometimes that I WAS IN CONTROL so that i could just fix everything.

7. Lastly, at least for now....God taught me that i am too dependant on people. I am not just speaking about corey, although losing him is what taught me this...but over the past month i have been examining myself and realizing that i am not happy unless i have people around me. just not as friends, but people to help me carry my burdens. and that's not okay with me because at the end of the day i lay in my own bed and sleep alone. anyway. this is a big one for me.

8. yes, i have been hanging out with an old friend (and ex boyfriend) justin degen. yes, it seems weird to everyone & it may seem to others that it is 'something more' than just friends...but i assure you it isn't. we are re-building a friendship that was lost due to some poor choices on his end. it's great to have an old friend around because he was someone i grew up with....he is a good listener and we both need someone to listen right now.

9. i love my friends and family && i want to personally thank all of you.

my mom was there for me every single day for 2 weeks that i did not get out of bed. i love her so much.

my sister and her husband showed up to MAKE ME get out of bed and paint our living room... my neice came and slept with me when my mom was out of town and i was all alone.

my best friend katy has been such a support for me being available whenever i need her. you will never know how much you mean to me (tear) but seriously, i love you and thank you sooo much for always being on my side.

andrea, thank you for that amazing phone call. you don't know what it did for me. sorry i was a mess, but thank you for listening and being a great friend.

franco (im pretty sure you don't read this) but thanks for making me laugh.

joe, the most unlikely of people thank you for being real. and for forgiving me. and kristen too, thanks for forgiving me.

andrew -- really, a strange person to be thanking. but you honestly helped me get through this.. and i am so sorry that i was the way i was to you. i will always regret that.

monique, wow. old friends never change. thank you for being there religiously at 10 am to boost my spirits when i really need it. i owe you.

if i forgot anyone, it's mostly because i was in a bad state of mind & i have a poor memory, but i thank you too.

jennifer, new friends are the best. you were there for me when nobody else could be and you talking to me really helped make it real (since you had been down this road). thank you so much for the bazillion texts back and forth. it REALLY, really helped. :)

paul, you're a million miles away..but thanks for the pep talks & thanks for always being there to cheer me up. our talks really helped me see what God was trying to teach me, thanks.

i could not ask for more, thank you.

but now, for a good smile. i must say that amongst all the sadness 2 beautiful blessings were brought into my life ---

elise lorraine chapman. <3

dean christopher armstrong <3

xoxo. kathi.